As Flashes in My Memories Become my Current Finds...

First off, I liked this one too.


Secondly, the organic final was beyond atrocious and good news I may have the chance to meet some more people next summer, when I take it again.  I think I may have gotten a C, but then again I always thing I got a C in chemistry and I've gotten a B and 2 A's so who knows.

My Dad is flying to Montreal today. I hate planes, I hate him travelling alone, I hate fearing the worst until he returns.

This week has been blast from the past week.  An elementary school friend found me, I found my 6th grade best friend, someone I haven't talked to since April wants to hang out with me now, one who never really talks to me online anymore sent me a good luck on my test, a friend from back in MD said he loved me (in that joking kind of way), Clemson printing partner thinks I rock... All these people who mean something to me, and I mean something to them too.  It's a great feeling.


I want to get back to my original point of this thing which is NOT to rant about specifically personal matters.  But somehow, I've come to believe that my persaonal matters are relateable.  Everone's stories of their own lives intertwine with some aspect of another's.  Everything we do affects someone else and especially recently, I've begun to believe that and take more heed in my words and actions and the repercussions they may cause.  Mayabe it's just the existentialism talking (I was readin Camus earlier), but, I thought it was important.


I miss being the victim.  I miss being the shy, silent girl tortured by her "friends", called names, alone, sad.  I don't know exactly why I miss that version of myself from what seems like so long ago.  Maybe because I was so much more innocent and pure and now I'm... not.  I think bad things about people, I talk back, I say "hate" a lot, I say other choice words quite a bit now too.  And I am selfish in some ways.  I've always prided myself on being completely unselfish but somehow in learning to stand for myself, I've grown to want more and more. 
For Example:
Why couldn't I have just worn sneakers while driving like my mother asked?  They just got me a new car and are paying for school and got me new clothes.  But it isn't like I purposefully aimed to disrespect her wishes.  I was in a rush, and just went.  It may have crossed my mind but there wasn't a conscious "let's do exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to do" though crossing my head.  It just happened.   I'm still a pretty obedient person.  How many teenagers have never taken a drink at a party or actually come home before curfew?  How many 19 year olds still HAVE curfew, yet alone obey it?  I'm still a good kid, I just miss when I was good-er, when I was the one who wasn't the trouble maker, when I was the good one.

I miss being good.









"Head first in the shallow end,
I apologize if I do not care...
So much for apologies,
So much for the promises I never intended to keep,
How does it all add up?
How does the story end?
I can't let go, I can't pretend..."
~Motion City Soundtrack